Roxas' Room of Secrets
by Krivoklatsko
Summary: Some strange noises are coming from Roxas' room in Castle Oblivion. Very bad implicitness, rated for a reason.
1. Noises

**Warning: The humor in here is pretty raunchy. I'm not kidding, it gets (implicitly) really bad. Reviews would be appreciated, as always. I'm not actually sure if this one is funny, so another opinion would help.**

Roxas' Room of Secrets

"YEAH!! TAKE IT! That's what you get! Suck it! UGGHH!"

Larxene was pressing hear ear against one of the many white doors in the overly massive flying fortress that she called home.

_No. It's not coming from this room._

She lifted her head and walked to the next door.

"YEAH, AXEL! Who's your daddy! say it! SAY IT!"

Larxene giggled to herself as she checked to make sure her camera was ready and pressed her ear against the next door.

_Nope._

"UGHH! UGHHH!"

Larxene's face would explode if she blushed any harder. This would be the greatest photo ever taken of those twerps as soon as she could find the source of the commotion. She rounded a corner and found Demyx and Xigbar both leaning against a door muffling their laughter.

Xigbar put a finger to his lips.

"S_hhh... this is privat-_HA!"

Demyx clapped a hand over his mouth.

"You like that, Don't you! Yeah! Take it!"

Larxene tip-toed quietly to them and held up her camera. Both of them began nodding vigorously and moved out of the way. Demyx pointed to a white strip of paper on Larxene's cloak curiously. She glanced at it, a name tag.

"_It's my somebody's name!" _she whispered happily.

She smiled gleefully and began gesturing to Xigbar while she held up her camera.

Xigbar grabbed the door handle and waited for her signal. Just as she was about to nod, Zexion came around the corner.

"What is that racke-" Demyx clapped a hand to his mouth.

The noises on the other side of the door suddenly stopped after an odd "**blip**!"

"Hello?" Roxas called.

Everyone was silent for what felt like an hour.

**Blip!**

"Hiya! Hiya!"

"Burn baby!"

"YEAH, BITCH! GET SOME!!"

Zexion's eyebrow raised unnaturally high as Demyx released his mouth.

Zexion smiled slightly and stepped closer to the door to listen.

Xigbar grabbed the handle to the door again and nodded to Larxene. She raised the camera and suddenly a portal opened behind her. Lexaeus stepped out and glanced around at everyone. No one was worried about him talking.

"UGHH! UGHH! YEAH!"

He raised an eyebrow.

Demyx tip-toed to him and whispered, "_Roxas and Axel._"

He mashed his hands together emphatically.

Lexaeus stared at him blankly.

"Axel is in the library."

**Blip**.

"Hello?!"

Everyone was silent again while they stared at Lexaeus.

He shrugged.

Xigbar felt someone touch the door handle from the other side and he jumped through a portal. Everyone followed suit except for Lexaeus. Roxas poked his head out the door.

"Oh."

He straightened up and assumed a professional demeanor. Lexaeus noted that his cloak was on and unruffled.

"Do you... wanna' come in?"

Lexaeus thought for a moment, then nodded. He stepped inside and the door closed behind them.

A few minutes later, the screaming resumed. It continued long enough to attract more attention.

**qp.qp.qp**

Xemnas strode authoritatively down the hallway with every intention of knocking on Roxas' door for full effect. He had been practicing his "I'm not happy" knock for hours, and now was the perfect time to use it. Screaming in general was bad enough, but number Thirteen was definitely going over the line with some of the things he was saying.

"SUCK IT! UGHH! UGHH! YEAH! YOUR MOM'S GONNA FEEL THAT!"

Xemnas paused in place a few feet away from the door.

**Blip**.

"What, you're going?"

"Yes."

The door opened and Lexaeus stepped out. Xemnas tried to glare at him but it ended up looking more like a mix of "Was that what I think it was?" and "but you're eight times his size!"

Lexaeus blushed and decided not to make the situation worse by trying to explain.

"Um... I'll... go now."

He stepped through a portal. Xemnas' eye began twitching as he pivoted on his heel and returned to his room.

**Blip**.

"BAM! BAM! BAM!"

**qp.qp.qp**

In the library, Larxene, Zexion, Xigbar, and Demyx were standing around a small three-book bonfire being attended by a cross-legged Axel. He gestured at another pile of books, more fuel, behind him.

"We have Ninety-two exact copies of..." he picked one up and glared at the cover, "Twilight. So I'm trimming down the shelves."

Larxene stuck her finger in his face. "Well maybe it's a good book! Did you ever think of that?! Huh? Maybe-"

"They're yours, aren't they?"

Xigbar tried to suppress a laugh in his throat. Larxene glanced at everyone with her peripheral vision. All of them were giggling slightly.

"...no."

All eyes fell to her name tag. Isabella Swan. She ripped it off and dropped it on the floor.

Axel shrugged. "Okay."

He tossed another book on the fire.

"NO!"

Larxene caught it and hugged it to her chest.

Axel swiped her name tag and stuck it to his chest, then leapt to his feet.

"Oh! Edward!" He cried as he grabbed a book and began prancing about, much to the amusement of the other members who were now doubled over in laughter.

"Hey!" Larxene summoned a kunai. "That's not funny!"

Axel covered his face in mock surprise and adopted Larxene's voice again.

"Oh! Edward! Save me!"

"I'm gonna' cut your tongue out for that!"

Larxene rushed him, causing him to shriek in terror and bend over facing away to protect his face.

She jumped on his back and he began running to try to escape, knocking over the ninety-two book pile in the process, which scattered around the other's who were doubled over with laughter by the fire.

Larxene hopped off of Axel's back and poised her knife for a very uncomfortable insertion.

"Stop it or I'll shove this right up there!"

Xemnas stepped out of a portal and gestured over his shoulder.

"Where you all aware that-...?"

The first thing he saw was Demyx, Zexion, and Xigbar reclining next to a fire on the floor and completely surrounded by exact copies of Twilight. Next he saw Larxene bent over Axel, then the Kunai, then the name tag on Axel. His eye began twitching again as he turned and returned to his portal.

_Marluxia will know what to do, _he thought.

**qp.qp.qp**

"So... do I look like him?"

Luxord glanced above his game of solitaire at Xaldin, who was sitting across from him wearing a spiky red wig.

"Who?"

"Guess." Xaldin pointed at a name tag he was wearing.

"Axel?"

"Bingo!"

"A tad."

Luxord leaned back in his chair and lit a cigarette. Xaldin raised a eyebrow.

"What's that for?"

"Well, if you remember our last meeting, I am no longer allowed to shuffle my cards while I'm speaking to anyone. But I have to do something with my hands or I'll go mad. A cigarette fits the bill perfectly."

Xaldin stared at him for a while.

"So you're smoking?"

"_Bingo."_

Xaldin was silent, so Luxord filled in for him.

"An unexpected upside of it was a good chance to use my tongue."

"How?"

"We don't eat, remember? So when's the last time any of us has tasted anything?"

"Ah. What's the flavor?"

"Here."

Luxord tossed him a pack.

"Oh. And if you want a second opinion on your... disguise... you know who you should really talk to?"

**qp.qp.qp**

Xemnas paced as fast as he possibly could out of his portal and stopped face to face with Marluxia's door. It had a picture on it of a bright pink flower. Xemnas stared at it intensely.

_His hair is pink too._

His eyes went wide as he began putting two and two together.

_And he loves flowers in general. He gardens, his room is always clean... Demyx. Demyx will know what to do. No... Demyx spends all his time writing music and poetry on a SITAR instead of a GUITAR. And dancing? Luxord. I'll talk to Luxord. Wait...Luxord always wants to play strip poker!_

Xemnas ran a hand through his hair while epiphanies ravaged his mind.

_We need more sociable female members, NOW._

**qp.qp.qp**

The library was silent as everyone exchanged glances.

Xigbar spoke first. "Do you think were in trouble?"

"You are all so childish! Edward wouldn't act this way!"

Larxene summoned a portal and began throwing her books through it.

Axel grabbed his hindquarters to make sure they were still there and then scurried around the corner to the next isle. "I guess you're done with Harry Potter then," he mumbled under his breath.

Demyx, Xigbar, and Zexion all perked their ears up. Very faintly they could hear Roxas screaming again. Zexion raised an eyebrow and Demyx nodded. They stepped through a portal.

**qp.qp.qp**

Xaldin stepped out of Roxas' room smugly with a cigarette in his mouth. He was met instantly by the surprised stares of Xigbar, Demyx, and Zexion.

"How about you guys? Do I look like Axel to you?" He lit the cigarette and took a drag.

**Blip**.

Roxas voice came through the door.

"Alright. I'm done with that looser, let's see what happens next."

Xaldin nodded at the door appreciatively. "Kid's got a lot of energy. He's been screamin' for three hours. So? Am I Axel-ish or what? Roxas said I was, but I want-"

Zexion began retching and fell to his knees. Demyx shrieked and hopped on Xigbar's back to avoid Zexion's puking. Xigbar gave out under the weight and fell on top of Zexion.

**Blip**.

Roxas' door creaked open an inch. Everyone became silent and stared at the dark aperture. For a while, nothing happened inside. Then, a camera jumped out, flashed, and retracted behind the barrier. Demyx looked down at Xigbar, who he was bent over. Xigbar, in turn, looked down at Zexion, who he was bent over just as compromisingly.

"We can NOT let that picture get out."

Xaldin took a swig of Sake and laughed. "I'll go ask Marluxia." He turned and left through a portal.

**qp.qp.qp**

Xemnas set down his phone on the receiver mounted on his desk and breathed a sigh of relief. "As soon as they arrive," he said to himself, "everything will be fine. I just need to take sit in my chair to calm my nerves."

**qp.qp.qp**

Roxas set his camera down and sniggered to himself as he flopped onto the couch, glass of milk in hand. He loved milk. He didn't even have to drink it but boy did he love milk.

"That is so going on my myspace." Roxas took a sip of his milk and savored it thoroughly before swallowing.

When he was done, he picked up a controller sitting next to him and pressed a button labeled "start."

**Blip.**

"Okay, I beat Axel (bitch), I walk in here... I beat up a computer... odd... door slides open..."

Roxas moved the left joystick around for a moment, then set the controller down, again picking up the glass of milk.

While he drank, he watched as his future played out before him on the screen. The milk went sour with his attitude.

"Oh shit."

He hopped through a portal as Xigbar, Zexion, and Demyx rushed through the door.

Xigbar immediately grabbed the camera and pocketed it.

Demyx watched the T.V. screen with interest. Zexion, meanwhile, was staring at the glass of milk. He leaned over and sniffed it inquisitively.

"What is this?"

Demyx glanced at the glass and shrugged, then returned his gaze to the screen. Xigbar was searching the room for Roxas' laptop.

While they were both looking away, a thought struck Zexion. Smell couldn't tell him everything but... he checked to make sure that neither of them were looking his way, then slowly lowered his lips to the liquid.

**qp.qp.qp**

Xemnas peered over his desk at Roxas. The desk didn't have anything in it, but it felt important sitting there so Xemnas let it stay. "Yes, Rox-"

Xemnas' eye twitched and he took a second to regain his composure.

"What's the problem Roxas?"

Roxas was wild eyed with fear. "I think my video game can predict the future."

Xemnas blinked, then his eye began twitching again as it spotted something around Roxas' mouth. _That can't possibly be what I think it is._

"Superior, I think that DiZ and Riku are going to abduct me and put me into a simulated Twilight Town so that they can bring Sora out of his coma."

_Is it? No. No, he would have washed it off._

"Sir?" Roxas took a cautious step forward and Xemnas leaned back subconsciously.

_What else could it be? It's so white and crusty!_

Xemnas' eye was twitching out of control now. He sat motionless behind his desk, watching the substance around Roxas' mouth. Milk was not his first guess.

_It's okay. They'll arrive in time. This will all be okay as soon as-_

Zexion burst from a portal, glass in hand with a white liquid covering most of his face and part of his cloak.

"I NEED MORE OF YOUR JUICE ROXAS! NOW!"

Xemnas began screaming at the top of his lungs and covered his head with a cardboard box he had stashed under his desk. "Happy place" was written on the side in crayon.

"ROXAS! GIVE ME YOUR JUICE! IT MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

**Thump.**

"JUICE!!"

Roxas ran away through a portal.

**Thump.**

**qp.qp.qp**

Luxord waved his hand over his deck of cards, causing them to self-shuffle. When they were done, he waved his hand ag-**thump-**ain and the cards scattered into a solitaire setup. He waived his hand at an ace-**thump, thump, thump**- and it jumped from it's pile, landing above the rest of the cards. **THUMP, THUMP, THUMP.** Luxord sighed heavily and shook his head, then fell through a portal and landed in the parapet overlooking whoever had been knocking on the main door. "I don't remember any of us having a birthday..."

* * *

**I told you it was bad humor. I tried to warn you, but you didn't listen. Oh well. Is it worth a sequel or should it be burned?**


	2. On the Origin of Nobodies

**Let's see what Xemnas' magical solution is, shall we?**

* * *

"Axel! Axel! You gotta' help me! They're coming to get me!

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who is coming to get you?"

Roxas peeked around a bookcase in the library for a moment, looked both ways, then leaned toward Axel and whispered, "_Namine and DiZ._"

Axel stared blankly at him for a moment, then tossed a copy of Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire onto his burning pile of books. He resumed staring at Roxas.

Roxas raised his eyebrows in anticipation of an answer.

"Namine... is going to kidnap you?"

"No! Namine AND DiZ!"

"Oh... DiZ?"

"The guy with the big red cloak and the hazel eyes!"

"Um..."

**thump, thump, thump.**

Roxas ducked and summoned his keyblades. "SHIT! I bet that's them! Axel, you gotta' help me!"

"Roxas..."

**THUMP, THUMP, THUMP.**

"I don't know who this DiZ guy is. But I can assure you that Namine is not going to kidnap you."

"NO! I'm telling you, SHE'S ONE OF THEM!"

"One of who?"

"THEM! There's a group of them! One of them has a cloak though- I don't know, I didn't play Chain Of Memories, just the opening of the second one- but I read a review- They want to stick me in a simulated Twilight Town!"

Axel blinked, then added another book to the fire. The pile behind him was steadily shrinking.

"Why?"

"To revive Sora! Don't you see! It's a conspiracy to stop us from getting our hearts back!"

"Roxas..."

"What?"

"When's the last time you slept?"

"Um... I don't remember."

Axel shook his head and spun a finger around his ear. "Tsk, tsk, tsk."

"That's not funny. You don't sleep either."

"Whatever. Don't sweat it. Just stick with me, enjoy the fire, and it'll be all good."

Roxas glanced around uneasily, expecting someone to be watching him from between the books, and sat when he felt slightly more secure. Axel added another book to the fire. **RRRRRRRRINGGGGGG!!**

Water began to spray from the ceiling, soaking Axel in his cross-legged pose.

"Maybe we should chill somewhere else."

"The main hall! It's safer there! If they try to get me, they'd sneak in the back instead of going through the front! Good thinking, Axel!"

**qp.qp.qp**

Luxord opened the main door as slowly as he knew how, then popped his head out.

"Hello?"

About four-hundred minor Nobodies were standing outside, a massive cake supported on their shoulders. They shambled forward through the open door, pushing Luxord to the side, and set it down in the main hall. As soon as they were done, they all shambled out the door again and left.

"Cheerio then."

Axel and Roxas stepped out of a portal and stopped short of the massive delicacy.

"Talk about cake with a capital C!"

"Shh- sshh-suuuuuugaaaarrrr!"

Roxas lunged into it and began climbing around in it, munching as much as possible. Luxord eyed it curiously. Axel stared. Roxas climbed. Lexaeus stepped out of a portal nearby and joined Luxord in eying curiously.

**qp.qp.qp**

Xemnas caught his breath for a moment, then gave another scream. His room had been empty for quite some time, but the effect remained. he had almost given up all hope, until...

**thump, thump, thump.**

Xemnas ripped the cardboard box from his head and was silent.

**THUMP, THUMP, THUMP.**

A broad smile crept across his face and jumped off his cheeks for more room. They had arrived. He took several minutes to compose himself, then hopped through a portal into the main hall, where the rest of the organization had already gathered. Marluxia even brought Namine along. Roxas was oblivious to everyone. Xemnas could hardly contain his glee. He turned to everyone in the hall and exclaimed, "Enjoy! Free cake for hardworking nobodies!"

"Do I-?"

"No. Not you Namine. You go back to your cage."

Namine's lower lip trembled slightly. Lexaeus picked up a chunk of the cake with two fingers and sniffed it. Demyx grabbed a handful and chewed it. Marluxia removed a plastic fork from an airtight package in his pocket, and tasted a bite. After the first few samples, mostly from parts that Roxas hadn't trampled, the members began socializing, and even enjoying themselves a little. No one noticed that Xemnas had returned to his office.

"Any moment now," he said to himself. "Any moment..."

**qp.qp.qp**

Roxas continued rampaging about on the highest tier of the multi-layered cake. It was _his_ tier. He crawled around on all fours, smudging it into his cloak in hopes of preserving the flavor for later. He loved it.

"Cakecakecakecakecakecake."

**Ding!**

"What?"

Roxas lifted his knee up, then set it down again.

**Ding!**

His knee was touching something metal under all the deliciousness.

**Click.**

"Surprise!"

"AHH!"

The top of the cake lifted open like a hatch to reveal that, in fact, it was a hatch. Roxas was thrown to the ground below, landing at Namine's feet with his face covered by his hands. He curled into a ball defensively.

No one cared about where Roxas landed. They were staring at the top of the cake.

**qp.qp.qp**

Xemnas was content again. He couldn't think of a better way to solve the organization's problems. All he had to do now was wait. He tapped his fingers on the desk and tried to imagine what was happening out of sheer anticipation. Xigbar stepped through a portal into his office. Xemnas contained his excitement professionally.

"Superior?"

"Yes, Number 2?"

"Could you tell me again how Nobodies are created?" Xemnas was annoyed by the unexpected question, but humored him.

"Well... when a Somebody becomes a heartless, their body carries on as a Nobody."

"So... how do you make a Samurai Nobody?"

Xemnas blinked.

"By making a Samurai Heartless."

Xigbar nodded thoughtfully.

"Right, right. Hmm... So... what about a Sniper Nobody?"

Xemnas was becoming impatient at Xigbar's off-topic questions.

"By making a Sniper Heartless."

"And Dancer Nobodies?"

"Dancer Heartless."

Xigbar nodded thoughtfully again, then began to smile mischievously. "So... the Stripper Nobodies that came out of the cake...?"

**qp.qp.qp**

Roxas peeked between his fingers and saw Namine leaning over him.

"Are you alright?"

"AXEL! HELP!"

"You're on your own dude."

Axel was entranced by the show. The rest of the organization seemed to agree that Roxas would need to help himself. Larxene, in the mean time, was rigid and furious. If there was one thing she hated more than whores, it was attention whores. She excluded herself from the category on the basis that she deserved it. She moved to Axel's side and hugged his arm.

"Axel, darling." She batted her eyebrows at him. He didn't even bother to avert his gaze from the show on the cake.

Larxene stamped her foot angrily, then turned to Namine, who hadn't been returned to her cage because of Marluxia's preoccupation.

"This is YOUR FAULT!"

Namine didn't argue. "I'm sorry," she mumbled. She turned and ran away, crying.

Roxas peeked through his fingers again.

"You saved me, Axel!"

"Any time-ohhhh yessss."

Larxene stamped her foot again angrily, causing the tiled floor to break, then looked around the room at the other members. No one was paying attention to her at all. She had lost this battle, but not the war. Larxene growled to herself, then left through a portal. Roxas, now even more paranoid by what he thought was Namine's foiled attempt to kidnap him, returned to his room as well to prepare. Xaldin, in the mean time, took a swig of sake and let loose.

* * *

**Stripper Nobodies are created when a stripper becomes a Heartless. Just so you know... XP**


End file.
